Chris Voss - A former FBI hostage negotiator, currently a businessman, author and academic. The founder and CEO of The Black Swan Group.It seems like all of us have experienced the distasteful situation where we went out of a fight with our parents and realised we could have said something much more convincing that could change the outcome.
"Ahhhh, I should have said that!"
You thought to yourselves, "if only I had better negotiation skills, I could overpower them with words."
I stumbled upon this audiobook which I think is very useful for such situations.
Here are some of the main takeaways and practical negotiation tools I summarised from the book Never Split The Difference - Negotiate as if you life depended on it by Chris Voss and Tahl Raz.
You can try them out on your parents, partners, children, co-workers, bosses, landlords, salespeople, and... The list goes on.
Read till the end for the link to one of the best Chris Voss videos on YouTube.
On building rapport effectively
Use mirroring:
Use late night FM DJ voice
Start with "I'm sorry" or smile
Repeat the last few words from your counterpart's last sentence
Stay silent
Use labelling:
Smile
Use "it seems/sounds/looks like you are..." statements to label your counterpart's situations
Stay silent
On making your point
Summarise your counterpart's situation using labels "it seems like you are in this situation where you are _____, _____and _____ because __________." If you hear any version of "that's right" from your counterpart, that's when they are on your side. You are "allowed" to make your point now.
You can also mislabel people to get them to correct you. That makes them feel smart and more in control. Stroke their ego, get them to talk more, and extract information as they talk before you make your point.
On defusing negativity
Use accusations audit:
Think of all the bad things that can be said to/thought of you
Point out the worst few, upfront
"I am sure you will think that I am a total a**hole, and you will probably not be very happy with me when I say __________."
With fear/anger out in the open, your counterpart will "have to" play nice with you
Defuse negativity with negativity
On dealing with "yes" and "no"
3 types of "yes":
Counterfeit: Escape route/People want more free information from you
Confirmation: No promise/a trap
Commitment: This is the real deal
The protective "no"
"No" is most often not "I absolutely do not want to work with you" but " I am not ready to take on the commitment to say yes now!"
If people don't say "no" even when they can/should, they don't take you seriously enough.
Get a few "no" early on in the conversation so that your counterpart will forget about their inner voice, and focus on what you have to offer.
On nudging a verbal attack
Ask open-ended "how" or "what" questions. For example, "How can I do that?" "What do you mean by that?"
These questions are calibrated to use your counterpart's energy against themselves. You are saying "no" without using the word "no", which gives your counterpart the illusion of control.
On bargaining
"Negotiate as if your life depended on it" is the subtitle of the book. The point of negotiating is so that you get what you want, not to feel safe. People often choose the safer option, which is going for the middle.
Getting into a negotiation without serious resolve will only get you a bad deal. And a bad deal is worse than no deal.
One of the "AHA!" moments I experienced while listening to this audiobook was when I realised the secret of having great negotiations is having the right mindset from the get-go.
It is to let the other person have your way. It is not about dominating.
It's about getting what you want in the end while leaving your counterpart feeling glad about the decisions they made themselves. Make them think that they are the ones who are in control.
This is one of the best YouTube videos I have ever watched. Enjoy!
Till next time.
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